I have no idea what I'm doing.

Hello reader of my blog. I hope you're having a super day, mostly because you either still have a little faith in me as someone who occasionally writes here, or you accidentally found yourself here while poking around looking for a read. Either way, you're my favorite person today.

You know who's not my favorite person today? Me. Why, you ask? I've gone and frustrated myself into a corner about a short list of things, writing hovering at the top. Sidling up alongside writing is my relationship with Depression, a lifelong presence that had taken a step back, but has recently stopped back by for a visit. This is a very big part of my life, but not one I've chosen to discuss here. I'm starting to wonder if this isn't the perfect outlet to share some of my personal struggle with something that still has such a stigma attached. Really? We've gotten past the shame associated with openly talking about abuse, physical disease, and sexuality, but this one's still hiding in the closet? There is a woman whom I deeply admire and respect who has recently written about her own struggles with Depression, and she is the reason I'm thinking about following suit. If only to be one more voice out there saying that this is something we should be able to talk about. But that's all for another post.

Back to my paralysis...

So here I am, looking at my blog, my lovely, wonderful outlet, which I've neglected once again. Why would anyone come back when I leave it dry for so long? Don't answer that...just let me imagine you've been waiting for something new, and now you're excited to read whatever random babbling you may step into. I so appreciate you. I keep wanting to write, but then something else always seems more pressing and I do that instead. The longer I’m away, the farther off I feel from my writing self. Why do I allow such a distance to grow? The obligation it becomes when my planning doesn’t match my actual ambition? Maybe. I can make a mean list of all the posts I'd like to write, but that's where it's all been camping out for a while now. What serves as a great motivator when I’m on is a supreme embarrassment when I’m off. How do I stop this awful cycle?

It appears my first post of 2012 is an admission that I have no idea what I'm doing. Am I a writer? Or am I just some silly person chasing some silly dream, not able to see the silliness in front of her face? I've never been very good at going after what I want, or even clearly identifying what I want, but that's really no excuse to waste away the opportunities laid at my feet. So I suppose it's time to get serious or pack it in before the opportunity is completely out of my hands.

I'm learning that working full time in the outside world, doing what I'm doing, is too draining to be followed by any kind of creative productivity once I walk in the door at home. But I also know that I lack the discipline to self-impose structure left entirely to my own devices, so now I've got to figure out how to find a balance there. I need someone else to require me to leave my house most every day or I have the tendency to slide downward, and in more than one sense. I also need time and space to find my way back to who I am deep down in order to make a real go at this dream of not only producing good writing, but sharing it in a way that encourages more.

So what's next...I think I'm going to do some re-organizing here. A tab for travel posts, a tab for everything else. Maybe that'll get things rolling again, or maybe this will. This or that, I need something to push me off.

I'm not really sure why I'm choosing to post this particular stroll through my thoughts, but here it is. I think I've been needing to write something and put it out there, on here to share, and not worry over the content. I'm not good at leaving things to rest before pushing them wherever they need to go. It takes me so long to get to things, I have to just do it and be done with it. Otherwise I worry and stress. That's what this post is, it's my need to just say something and let it go. Who knows, maybe one day someone will find these early ramblings an intriguing peek into the psyche of a successful writer. Stranger things have happened :)

Thanks again for stopping by. I'm going to stop saying I'm going to do better, and just do it instead.