Day 12: So far...

So today marks the 12th consecutive day of blogging, and I have to admit, I wasn't sure it was possible.  I mean I know it's possible, but for me?  This tiny accomplishment marks a larger one for me because daily writing was never something at which I excelled.  I almost feel guilty for the interim that will settle in after tomorrow, for although I'll probably bring my laptop along on our trip, I cannot and will not commit to daily writing whilst soaking up French wine and indulging in ludicrous amounts of cheese, bread, and beauty.  My creative energy will be focused on capturing the week with my camera instead of my computer.

But not to worry; I'm quite certain this trip will be a heavy influence on this blog upon our return.

I should also note that I will be missing the next Writers in Stuttgart meeting, as we'll be somewhere en route that day.  For my fellow Stuttgart writers, I was there LAST Saturday, having either totally missed or forgotten that Claire's session had been moved to a later date, so I'd like the credit for showing up, please.  (It's very possible, probable even, that this was discussed during the first hour and a half of last month's meeting, while I was riding trains and buses and aching shins on my way downtown.)  Regardless, I'm bummed to miss the meeting.  Someone tell someone I stuck to at least my first two goals for the year, the blog and the telling about the blog, please?

Ah, goals.  Which makes me think about a lady named Gretchen Rubin, which makes me want to start writing about that whole thing, but I'm going to have to save that for another time, as my time is limited at the moment.  But I must give her partial credit to the current success of my reaching, or at least responsibly handling my goals, along with the Writers and some pushy, aka, supportive friends.  Thank you, thank you, I'd be a mess of a writer not writing without you.

Now I just need to learn to multi-task so I can work toward goals in different areas of my life at once.  In a week and change.  Till then.

Day 11: Lists

Today's To-Do List:
- gym before work
- work
- call auto shop and set appointment for pre-trip oil change
- buy oil for oil change
- get oil change
- grocery stop  (we'll make do with what's in the house)
- drop off check at insurance office
- call dog sitter to arrange drop off and okay new date
- read 150 pages of book so it's possible to hand off Thursday
- today's blog

no time for proper capitalization for this girl.

and of course the regular daily stuff like attempting to tidy so coming home isn't so stressful, making and consuming dinner, pre-packing tomorrow's gym bag (with tomorrow's work clothes and toiletries) and squishing in a little time to relax before bed, and tomorrow.

Tomorrow's To-Do List:
- gym before work
- work
- laundry
- pack
- charge batteries for cameras, navi, ipods and laptops
- pack cameras, navi, ipods, laptops and appropriate cordage
- read last 150 pages of book to hand over next day
- Wednesday's blog
- SLEEP

a side note:  we can now add half-eaten mouse carcass to heidi's repertoire of preferred snacks.  if she can't feast upon what exits the rears of neighborhood cats, she'll take what falls out of their mouths.  delicious.  her latest choices have included snow and duraflame fireplace log.  i think her inner goat is tired of hiding.

Thursday's To-Dos:
- can't even think that far ahead

now i have to go and this will have to suffice for today.  it's time to cook and eat dinner, finish reading tonight's allotment of pages, and so on and so forth.

till tomorrow.

Day 10: Berlin and The Wall

Our first trip to Berlin was in the spring of 2008.  We took the tours and walked the streets; we photographed remnants of recent history and read stories of those who tried to escape East Berlin, and those who succeeded.  Our walking tour guide pointed out the famous balcony from which Michael Jackson dangled his baby years back, and the very spot where they say Hitler and Ava Brown's bodies were burned after their suicides.  You wouldn't expect anything interesting had ever happened on this particular stretch of sidewalk, but you can lock your bike up where the Fuhrer quickly became ash.


My favorite day was the day we walked along the East Side Gallery, the largest open air memorial for freedom in the world.  The first time we were there the paintings sprawling over what would have been otherwise ugly concrete once separating loved ones, were weathered and chipping.  Although the graffiti across some pieces added to the sense of unity you felt looking over the artwork, for most of the added messages were those of peace, one love, one world, we wondered what they might have looked like when first created back right after the fall of The Wall in 1989.

The name of this picture is "One Love."







Last year on Nov. 9, 2009, Berlin celebrated the 20th Anniversary of the fall of the Berlin Wall, and we were there for the celebration.  Schools, artists, and many others from around the world contributed to a display of giant dominoes, painted with messages of unity and freedom, that were lined up along one stretch of the original Wall's path.  Even my old high school got into the mix, we discovered our first night in town walking the path of the dominoes while the stage was still being set for the big celebration.  After a mixed concert of music from Berlin's State Opera to Jon Bon Jovi, speeches from the German Chancellor Angela Merkel, British Prime Minister Gordon Brown, French President Sarkozy, and US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, to name a few, former Polish President Lech Walesa and ex-Hungarian Prime Minister Miklos Nemeth had the honor of making the first push.  The toppling of these large dominoes was meant to symbolize the falling Communist governments of Eastern Europe, and the cheering when they fell was deafening.  Ex-Soviet leader Mikhail Gorbachev even made an appearance, and the German Chancellor praised him publicly for his role in the change that occurred in Berlin that changed the world.  The party was huge and it rained all night, but we had an amazing time.  Between the fireworks that lit the rainy sky, and the hot gluhwein that warmed our hands and throats in the freezing rain, it was a memorable evening, to say the least.  Standing outside the Brandenburg Gate and watching the dominoes fall, surrounded by emotion and a lot of people, we felt like we got to be a part of something.  We felt the power and the pride that swelled from the people and burst into the sky.

When we revisited The East Side Gallery, we were astonished at the work so many of the original artists had done restoring their old masterpieces.  Funded and organized by the German Paint Maker's Association, 42 paintings were restored to their former glory, and the Gallery seemed somehow more alive for the fresh paint.







We snapped lots more pictures and took our time, feeling lucky to have seen these walls renewed, the sense of unity they represent by standing as a memorial freshened for future visitors to this amazing city.

Getting to travel to places of significance when it comes to growth in the world is a truly awesome privilege for which we are grateful.  Walking where others once walked, whether it was to death or to freedom, it's difficult not to feel the ghosts of a place.  Would they be proud?  Have we come far enough to honor their plight?

Will the people of the world continue to knock down the walls that still linger between neighbors and within homes?

Very much, I hope so.

Day 9: My Deutsch Family

We were the only ones without kids today, so I tried to get Chris to take a basket into the garden to hunt for eggs, too, but he wasn't into it.  There were 14 adults, 4 middle school kids, 6 preschoolers, and 2 babies.  There was plenty of beer and plenty of wine, and the appetizer table boasted stuffed mushrooms, spinach dip (with chips AND veggies), deviled eggs, and cucumbers with cream cheese and salmon.  We ate leg of lamb, stewed lamb, ham, potatoes, pasta salad, mixed berries, rolls, and Polish Popsicles for the big Easter meal, chased by homemade fudge, Nutella cheesecake, chocolate and peanut butter nest cookies, and a gorgeous berry trifle.  Do you feel fat after reading all that?  I said I wouldn't overdo it today, that I'd try a small taste of everything and then be proud of myself for not stuffing it in, but a taste of everything added up to a bulging belly by the end.  (I feel stuffed all over again recounting it now.)  It was busy and noisy, between the music and multiple conversations carrying on at once, and hard at times to get from room to room, but such are holiday get-togethers, and I love it.  It reminds me of family, which reminds me of home, and both of those things warm my chest because I'm lucky enough to have them wherever I am.

When Chris and I first moved to Europe from the United States we hadn't a clue what to expect, neither from living in a place as foreigners, nor from this semi-nomadic lifestyle.  Having grown up in one place, only leaving my childhood home when I married Chris and moved away, moving after just 5 years seems nomadic to me.  I have to say that the first year was very difficult for me, personally, as I always relied heavily on close friendships and family, neither of which I had for a while in Pisa.  Thank goodness for Heidi - she saved me from a deeper loneliness.  I mean look at this face.

Eventually I managed to meet a handful of people with whom I felt immediately comfortable, and since then, as the turnover of people around us is rather quick, have learned a lot about the different kinds and levels of friendship.  Before this life, I had a few very close friends to whom I devoted myself, but had no use for light acquaintances.  Again, efficiency.  If you're going to make a friend, make a real, true friend and commit all the way.  Then I learned a painful lesson about that, and the way I viewed friendship, as a whole, changed.  Now I feel I've grown with the flow of my life and I've come to appreciate friendship on many other levels, understanding more how regardless of how long we live near one another, or how deep our connection falls, it's the moments you share with the people around you that have the power to show you something about life, and therefor, something about yourself.  Every relationship holds a host of learning opportunities, through the joy and pain of it, alike, and I'm glad I can finally appreciate that, and not fall apart every time I have to hug a friend goodbye.

Which brings me back to this place, right now.  Even if I'm feeling particularly awkward or not especially social, as sometimes is the case, it's lovely to be surrounded by people who notice when I've not spoken for a while.  Living very far from family and the chaos of get-togethers in Florida, I revel in it here.  A house full of people and noise, children running underfoot, sweet puppy dogs begging for a little love, and stories and laughter overwhelm me with feelings of family, and I'm thankful.  Family is the friend you can call anytime if you're in need, the person who will tell you the truth then hug you if you cry over it, and the people who think of you when it's time to celebrate.  Although I miss my Florida family very much, and get a little down when I know what I'm missing there, my German one is doing a pretty good job here.  I'm grateful for that.  Something else I have to be grateful for, the fact that I didn't chicken out 6 years ago and went ahead and married my best friend.  Together, we are home, which is convenient since we've probably got some more moving to do this life.

Happy Easter, if you celebrate it.  Happy Sunday, if you don't.  Either way, go hug a friend :)

Day 8: Ten Years

I didn't make it to my ten year high school reunion this past summer.  Although I actually was in the country visiting, I was on the road between states the day of.  I couldn't decide at the time whether or not I was disappointed.  On one hand, it would have been interesting to see the faces of old friends and chat about the old days at St. Pete High; but on the other, social networking makes those same faces fairly accessible, assuming they've put themselves out to be found, and most people I cared to reconnect with, I had.  But thinking about that stretch of time, of course, brings about lots of old feelings and questions.  Curiosity.  

I wrote this to a boy I used to know.

Hey there.

Ten years – holy crap.  As the decade marker rolls around to invite us all back to revisit the halls we used to know so well, faces from way back when push to the forefront of my mind.  Did the hottest guys all turn out to be gay?  Did the reign of the popular come to a disappointing halt after graduation, or did reality do some humbling?  Did the quiet ones go on to conquer the world?  And what about old friends?  Who kept in touch and who drifted?  Who became exactly what they wanted to be and who disappeared?  And then there’s you – I wonder what became of the boy I loved for a while, the boy who was so many firsts for me.  Infatuation.  Love.  Sex.  Heartbreak.  Kind of sounds like an album.  It’s amazing to me now how my small life then was so affected by only a few months, but it was, and what can you do.  It’s nice to be so far from that old pain, nice that wounds have since scarred over and become nothing but reminders of a past life.  Ten years later, and it feels like the impending reunion that I will miss gives me license to wonder about you without attaching to that curiosity embarrassment for having it.

How are you these days?  Who are you, for that matter?  What have you seen?  What have you done?  How have you changed?  Are you happy or still looking for something?  Did you ever feel sorry for how things fell to pitiful pieces when we knew each other?  Do you ever think of all the things we never said?

I’ve found that I do feel sorry not so much that it ended, but how it did, because it would have been nice to remain in one another’s lives if only to laugh about how stupid we once were.  I envy people who can think of their first love with only fondness because I don’t feel I’m allowed.  Too many things left unexplained, unclarified, unforgiven, and that’s sad, because we could have gotten so much more out of each other. 

Day 7: Spring Cleaning: A Letter of Apology

They've been saying all week that it's going to snow.  I say it'll make it easier for the kids to find the Easter eggs, but the overwhelming feeling around me is one of helpless disappointment.  I must admit, I am ready for Spring, and today would be a wonderful start.  Though still a chilly 50 degrees Fahrenheit on my drive home, the sky is sunny and gorgeous, seasoned with salt and pepper clouds - the pepper being the handful of dark clouds lingering around to keep us guessing.  It's funny to me that when it's grey and rainy outside, instead of taking the opportunity to get things done inside, being stuck there, I'm more likely to flip in the TV and curl up on the couch.  But if the sun is blasting through our magnificent windows, all I want to do is organize and clean out.

Today's sunshine has had this effect on me.  On the way home today one of those old nostalgic songs came on the radio and took me back a little.  I have a small stash of letters, like I'm sure many people do, that were written never to be mailed.  One of them is an expression of frustration, and one is a heavy hearted goodbye. Three are letters of forgiveness that I needed to write in order to move on from some difficult experiences that I let affect me for too long a time.  And on a cold day last year, I decided it was only fair that I write, in the same fashion, some letters of apology to a few people to whom I owed one.  Writing these kinds of letters is therapeutic, I believe, and although I never planned on mailing them, I think I've changed my mind about putting them out there.  By doing a little spring cleaning and setting them free into the world by way of this blog, maybe they'll somehow find their way to their intended homes.

Maybe she'll read this.

I'm a little hesitant to post what I'm posting here, because though everything I write is personal by nature, the letters I've written are so deeply so, and they tell of things of which I am not particularly proud.  But I supposed that's another facet of this blogging thing, revealing yourself in pieces.

This one is for Maggie.

     ******************************************

Dear Maggie,

            You were such a good friend to me and I valued that very much.  I could not have asked for a better roommate my first year of college, but I didn’t respect the fact that every relationship has boundaries.  I deeply apologize for crossing the one that is meant to keep my own personal demons private.  Though I thought I’d come so far from my depressed and self-deprecating days, I still fell into damaging habits and involved you when I should not have, and I know this.  I’ve almost emailed you many times about this, to apologize for putting you in a position you should never have been in.  You were my friend and I put a stress upon you to worry about my well being when you had a world of things to worry about within the expanding realm of your own world.  I am truly sorry for allowing our friendship, which meant so much to me, to end because I made you choose yourself over my problems.  I loved you very much, and that’s why I was so angry when you stood up for yourself.  I was wrong, and I am still sorry for doing that to you.  I never blamed you for the way we separated, though I never let you know that.  I wish you nothing but the best in life and sincerely hope you’re happy and doing well.

                                                           All the best for a good friend.

Day 6: Deux croissants au jambon et fromage, s'il vous plaît.

We're watching a downloaded episode of "No Reservations" with Anthony Bourdain, in which our pal Tony is traveling through southern France and making us drool from our seats.  I swear I never cared much for wine or cheese before we moved to Italy, and visiting France didn't help matters in that respect.  Visiting France also brought about a renewed love of bread that I hadn't experienced since childhood.

We're spending a week driving through France over my Spring Break.  The bulk of our journey will be taking us through the southern portion of the country, thus, our visit with Tony tonight.  We are two people who experience the food of a place as wholly connected to its culture.  We like to eat, and watching shows like this are great for gathering tips before you visit a place, like where to stumble to find the authentic taste of a region, and the like.  Now food is not the only thing we research before traveling, but come on, wouldn't you like to know where to find the best croissants in Paris?  The most rustic pizza in Sicily?  The best mussels in Brussels?  We would.  So we watch and we take notes.

We're still figuring out the order of things, but we plan to hit Annecy, a supposedly painfully beautiful town across the lake from Geneva, Switzerland, and Verdon Gorge a few hours south, a canyon I've heard referred to as the Grand Canyon of Europe.  I've also heard that comparison is ridiculous, but either way, I'm excited to go.  I'm trying to add Apt to our trek and now Tony's got us looking to add another.  Since it's a TV show we have only his pronunciation of the town and neither of us speak French, so we're still trying to figure out where he is.  With only 8 days, we may have to set aside the Alsace Wine Road between Strasbourg and Mulhouse for another time - there's just too much beautiful France to see.  I promise I'm not complaining.

Sometimes I think I cold live in France based on the bread and pastries alone.  This trip, I plan to explore the cheese more deeply to further develop my appreciated and understanding of the French.  Doesn't that sound convincing?  It feels like it's going to be less of a hustle and bustle kind of trip, and more of a rent a boat and have a picnic on the lake over wine and cheese kind of thing.  We shall see, but one thing's for sure - there's no way I'll be blogging that week.  I will be disconnected and drunk on sunshine, my friends.