They've been saying all week that it's going to snow. I say it'll make it easier for the kids to find the Easter eggs, but the overwhelming feeling around me is one of helpless disappointment. I must admit, I am ready for Spring, and today would be a wonderful start. Though still a chilly 50 degrees Fahrenheit on my drive home, the sky is sunny and gorgeous, seasoned with salt and pepper clouds - the pepper being the handful of dark clouds lingering around to keep us guessing. It's funny to me that when it's grey and rainy outside, instead of taking the opportunity to get things done inside, being stuck there, I'm more likely to flip in the TV and curl up on the couch. But if the sun is blasting through our magnificent windows, all I want to do is organize and clean out.
Today's sunshine has had this effect on me. On the way home today one of those old nostalgic songs came on the radio and took me back a little. I have a small stash of letters, like I'm sure many people do, that were written never to be mailed. One of them is an expression of frustration, and one is a heavy hearted goodbye. Three are letters of forgiveness that I needed to write in order to move on from some difficult experiences that I let affect me for too long a time. And on a cold day last year, I decided it was only fair that I write, in the same fashion, some letters of apology to a few people to whom I owed one. Writing these kinds of letters is therapeutic, I believe, and although I never planned on mailing them, I think I've changed my mind about putting them out there. By doing a little spring cleaning and setting them free into the world by way of this blog, maybe they'll somehow find their way to their intended homes.
Maybe she'll read this.
I'm a little hesitant to post what I'm posting here, because though everything I write is personal by nature, the letters I've written are so deeply so, and they tell of things of which I am not particularly proud. But I supposed that's another facet of this blogging thing, revealing yourself in pieces.
This one is for Maggie.
You were such a good friend to me and I valued that very much. I could not have asked for a better roommate my first year of college, but I didn’t respect the fact that every relationship has boundaries. I deeply apologize for crossing the one that is meant to keep my own personal demons private. Though I thought I’d come so far from my depressed and self-deprecating days, I still fell into damaging habits and involved you when I should not have, and I know this. I’ve almost emailed you many times about this, to apologize for putting you in a position you should never have been in. You were my friend and I put a stress upon you to worry about my well being when you had a world of things to worry about within the expanding realm of your own world. I am truly sorry for allowing our friendship, which meant so much to me, to end because I made you choose yourself over my problems. I loved you very much, and that’s why I was so angry when you stood up for yourself. I was wrong, and I am still sorry for doing that to you. I never blamed you for the way we separated, though I never let you know that. I wish you nothing but the best in life and sincerely hope you’re happy and doing well.
All the best for a good friend.