Growth

Although this blog is merely in what I imagine to be in its toddler stage, I already feel that I've learned quite a bit from committing to it. Obligating myself to write daily was a big challenge, and I wasn't sure I'd do very well with it.  Twelve days in a row was huge for me, but then I found that I enjoyed it more than I expected.  The anxiety and rewards of writing this way were wonderfully balanced and I already have more confidence in myself as a writer.  An entire week away was, to be honest, a little hard.  I felt the tug to sit and write at the end of each day, and when I couldn't, I felt a little lonely.  Makes no sense, right?  I was in southern France with my amazing partner in crime (and life), but for just a moment each evening, I felt a twinge of yearning for another...my writing.  I missed the daily commitment that had quite quickly become ritual, natural, and I looked forward to the part of returning home that meant I'd be back to my laptop at the dining room table.  The end of a trip means getting back to your own bed, a return to normalcy, and the end of this particular sweet breeze of a vacation meant getting back to you, my blog.  The words and the release.

I feel like I've made some meaningful changes in my life these past months, concerning both my physical and writing self.  It's not as if I haven't tried before to be a more devoted writer, or to eat better and be more active, but this time doesn't feel like a "this time."  Right now, in this moment in my life, I do not feel anxious or worried about whether or not it'll stick this time, if I'll be strong enough to change my life for the better. In this moment, I feel calm.  I feel smooth and deeply content because somewhere inside of me there is a sense of knowledge that it was my time to grow again.  I don't actually know this; I mean, I don't know what my immediate future holds or what may change, but I sense that I do.  Does that make any sense at all?  It's like subconscious knowledge, or at least the comfortable belief in something I no longer question.  I am healthier today than a few months ago, and I'm writing every day.  I'm learning new ways to enjoy and appreciate more aspects of life, something on which I plan to elaborate soon.  Even on vacation, though I couldn't blog, as I wanted to include pictures with the writing, I wrote the details of the days in a small notebook, and even that felt good and right.  

I'll be continuing on with Provence tomorrow, and I've got a couple things I'd like to write about after that kind of waiting in the wings, but for tonight it felt right to sort out some thoughts in this space.  I no longer doubt my ability to produce words strung together in a more frequent manner, and I'm no longer afraid that skipping a day will totally revert me back to my old ways of hardly writing at all.  So this is where my commitment will change slightly, but I see this change as wholly positive, because I'm comfortable with and trusting enough of myself to do it.  I don't think I will necessarily continue to blog daily, but allow myself a day off here and there when the days are unbalanced or my mind is exhausted by other things.  I might've been scared of this leeway before, uncertain of my own ability to remain loyal given some wiggle room, but not tonight.  Because we're back together, Writing and me, and it's been a lovely reunion that I do not see ending any time soon.    

Night.